High Statistics
by Psycho Clown Bondage Circus
Summary: Captain Hook becomes the newest victim of an eternal demon most foul.
1. Chapter 1

I was commissioned a king sized box of Junior Mints to write this.

* * *

 **HIGH STATISTICS**

Captain Hook, Doctor Animo, V.V. Argost, and Major Domo slowly opened their eyes before finding themselves on a big bed with black satin sheets.

The room they were in was lined with red velvet walls. The scent of lavender and rose petals wafted ominously through the air. Something about it smelled off putting, as if there was an underlying scent of rot beneath it all. It smelled vaguely of rancid meat and chili spices.

They found themselves surrounded by many cameras in a movie studio of some sort. The audience seats were empty.

Only one person was present. They remained in the shadows behind a large glass window.

The captives eyes flew open upon the sight of their own half-nakedness. All were wearing only underwear. Captain Hook wore grey long johns. Doctor Animo, a pair of white boxers. V.V. Argost was clad in a pair of light blue boxer shorts which he found immediately uncomfortable. Major Domo wore light purple briefs. He blushed and tried to cover his evident male organs out of shame.

''Good morning, gentlemen,'' an unfamiliar feminine monotone voice spoke.

The captured men all turned to look at the glass window as a light came on.

A very large white woman with greasy long brown hair and thick glasses showed up. She grinned evilly, exposing crooked yellow teeth. Her breath was labored from the amount of fat on her body. She sounded eerie as she breathed raggedly through the microphone. She tapped it, causing sharp feedback.

''Is this thing on? I don't like being ignored, you know!''

An electric current shot through the black metal collars each of the men now realized they were wearing around their necks. They screamed.

"What is the meaning of this?" Captain Hook demanded.

"Who dares?" yelled Doctor Animo.

"Whaaaaaaaaaat?" Argost roared.

"Please, cease this, whoever you are," Major Domo whimpered.

They glared at the middle-aged woman who wore a movie director's clothes that didn't fit very well on her grossly bloated body. She held up a bullhorn before placing it right in front of the microphone. Everyone held their ears in pain while she talked.

 _''YOU ARE ALL MY TOYS! MY PLAY THINGS! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! I OWN YOU! YOU ARE MY PROPERTY! I WILL FORCE YOU TO DO WHATEVER I WISH, AND YOU WILL ENJOY IT! YOU HAVE NO SAY OTHERWISE! I AM THE MASTER! I CONTROL EVERYTHING! I CONTROL YOU! EVERYTHING I FORCE YOU TO DO IS NOW CANON! ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS A HYPOCRITE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING!''_ she shrieked in a shrill tone before laughing hysterically.

''You're going home in a body bag once I am through with you, you witch,'' V.V. Argost threatened. He tested the collar with his claws. He received another high voltage shock that caused him to shriek.

''I have no idea what you're going on about, woman, but rest assured, it will not go forgotten, or unpunished,'' Doctor Animo was the next to speak.

He could see a very obvious flaw in the design of the collar while he looked at the sobbing grey haired man next to him. Currently, he could not exploit it.

The woman behind the window grunted in disapproval.

''That is NOT how Vincent Vladislav Argost or Doctor Animo act in canon.''

She reached down on the control panel and pressed several buttons.

The two ruthless villains began to cry out as the collars painfully injected them with an unknown substance. Seconds later, they looked stunned. Moments after that, they began to sob uncontrollably while shrieking with fear. They both looked down and began to blush with shame while sobbing even louder.

''Oh no, I'm NEARLY NAKED!" Doctor Animo shrieked. He covered his eyes with his hands. ''I'm so ASHAMED of MALE NUDITY!'' He curled into a ball and hugged his knees while continuing to sob. ''And now I remember all the innocent animals I MURDERED when I tried to force them to attack Ben Tennyson and his family! They died because of ME! I can't forgive myself for making them SUFFER!''

The doctor's nostrils began to fill with snot. He hiccuped several times due to his heavy sobbing. He looked like a toddler who's candy had been stolen.

''I'm nearly naked as well! How distressing! I'm so ASHAMED and HUMILIATED!'' V.V. Argost sobbed while his shoulders moved up and down.

He collapsed on his hands and knees. He looked around. His eyes went wide with fear. He was overcome by crushing loneliness.

''Where is my dear beloved, sweet Munya? Munya isn't constantly by my side? He's my DEVOTED GAY LOVER! He is my CONSTANT COMPANION! He is my OTHER HALF! How could I have forgotten such an explicit fact? I'll never see him again, surely! I can't bear the thought! I'M POSITIVELY SUICIDAL!''

He shrieked and sobbed while using his clawed hands to cover his eyes.

The woman nodded with approval. She giggled fiendishly. ''Now THAT is how you two act in canon! It's a fact.''

She turned her head and glared at Major Domo. ''Major Domo! I command you to be in love with Captain Hook. You are my new yaoi OTP. Do it NOW!''

Instantly, Major Domo's penis began to rise. He gasped. His head tilted back. Love actually meant sex in this context. And it also usually meant rape, not sex. He couldn't resist due to the drugs in his system And also the hypnotic control being unleashed upon him and his fellow victims in the room below. He blushed.

''My love," he whispered as he stared at the confused pirate Captain. He broke into a bland smile.

He stretched out his arms. He began to run to the villainous pirate captain before he grabbed him. He embraced the larger man. He began to moan and rub his hips against his body even as the other man yelled and raised his hook threateningly.

''Release me at once, you madman!''

''Please love me, my eternal beloved,'' Major Domo whimpered in a high pitched voice as he blushed. ''Love me for all eternity!'' He puckered his lips and began to lean closer to Captain Hook's face.

Captain Hook shoved the smaller man away. He fell down and sobbed.

''WHY AREN'T YOU TWO FUCKING ALREADY?'' the woman shrieked.

She slammed her meaty fist down on another button.

''This will help you get in the mood.''

Various televisions that were inside the walls came on and began playing an assortment of videos.

Captain Hook, who had never bore witness to such technology, was stunned. He was bombarded by various silly cartoon and anime programs at once, along with many videos of hentai, yaoi, and straight up live action porn featuring rough gangbangs, pissing, scat, BDSM, unsimulated rape, child play, choking, abuse, torture, facials, diapers, enemas, and dildo machines. He didn't know what to make of it. He backed up against the wall and screamed before covering his face with his hand and hook. The conflicting horrific images of colorful childishness and sexual deviancy were burned into his mind.

''I've gone to the underworld! How can this be? Did that great leathery beast swallow me whole as I slumbered?''

He stumbled around before bumping into a familiar pair of arms and hands. He growled when his long johns were unbuttoned. They fell down to his knees. He gasped. He saw the strange man called Major Domo smiling at him until he made a grab for his exposed penis. Captain Hook bashed him in the head with his hook.

''Away with you!'' Captain Hook ordered. Major Domo sobbed. He crouched and hugged his knees to his chest. Captain Hook disregarded him. ''I want no part of this bewildering depravity!''

''You will play nice, or be punished by Mommy,'' the woman hissed.

Captain Hook's eyes widened. He glowered. He turned around to face his tormentor. ''M-Mummy?''

''Yes, your dear Mummy, James! You wouldn't want to disappointing her, would you?'' the evil voice said in its constant monotone. ''Act like gentleman. Fall in love with Major Domo, or should I say, your gorgeous ex-fiance, the lovely Cecilia! My beautiful canon Sue!''

Spotlights shone down on Major Domo, who was now wearing a white dress with various ribbons and bows. He wore a matching fancy hat. His long hair and face made him look exactly like a feminine woman. His usual large earrings replaced Cecilia's. Bright red lipstick was the finishing touch.

''My beloved,'' Captain Hook gasped. He stretched out his arms and ran to what he envisioned as his feminine lover. He began to kiss her.

Major Domo moaned as the hat fell off. Captain Hook didn't seem to mind at all. He gasped when the pirate captain became forceful and threw him down on the bed before slicing the dress open with his hook.

''I never got a chance to love you, Cecilia, before you dumped me due to my greed! Now let's make up for lost time!''

He tore off the rest of the dress to reveal his lover's hairless feminine organs. He admired the feminine area before he used his good hand to rub it. Cecilia moaned while tilting her head back.

''Love me, James Hook!'' begged Cecilia.

He became hard and finished pulling down his long johns before penetrating his lover's feminine hole roughly.

''Oh yes! My love!'' he shouted as he began to forcefully pound the small woman while she screamed in pain from her virginity being broken. ''We will never be apart! I'm going to impregnate you!''

Cecilia endured as she felt herself being ripped apart. Tears streamed down her face.

The woman in charge gave a loud peal of laughter while she watched the pirate captain fucking Major Domo's raw asshole. When the vicious pirate finished, there was a trail of blood. She enjoyed observing every second of it. She clapped her hands excitedly while making odd honking noises like a goose.

Captain Hook stumbled around the room before feeling as though he would pass out.

''What's going on? Am I drunk?'' he mumbled.

He tripped and fell against the wall. He thought he heard sobbing from several people. They were all masculine voices.

''What is that sound?'' He looked down and saw that he was exposed. There was blood coating the tip of his penis. He screamed before he passed out.

The woman grinned maliciously. ''Now for the babies.''

A small door opened, releasing two snarling creatures into the room. They looked like a pair of obese naked mole rats. They had wings and no eyes.

They crawled along the floor, making a constant shrieking noise that sounded like a cat and a baby being murdered slowly and painfully at the same time. They sniffed the air before eventually crawling to the feet of Doctor Animo, their target.

Doctor Animo looked at them and gasped.

''My babies,'' he muttered. ''I thought I had lost them.''

He reached out and embraced them. One of them bit his ear, drawing a splash of blood. He grimaced while he endured the pain.

''My babies! My long lost daughters! My sweet, adorable little princesses. I'll never be apart from you! Now we can be a family again!''

And he never would.

They began to devour him, piece by piece. He didn't make a sound until his death gurgles. Finally he was a few scraps of meat on a skeleton surrounding by a pool of blood that the hungry ''babies'' began to lap up with their long tongues.

The woman clapped her hands. ''A beautiful emotional tale! Now that's good story telling, if I do so compliment myself.''

She pressed another button.

Doctor Animo regenerated to life once again, lying on the bed, unconscious. His memory had been wiped clean of the previous disturbing incident.

''Argost, It's your turn to be my delightful little puppet again.''

Argost ceased crying and looked up. He looked back down. He saw himself dressed in a scanty French Maid outfit. It barely covered his furry ass or groin due to its small female size. He blushed. He tried to pull down the fabric. He smiled and shrugged.

''Do you need something cleaned, Madame?'' Maid Argost asked his master. He held a feather duster in his clawed hand. He made a feminine curtsy. ''I'm ever so eager to please!''

''But of course you are,'' the monotone voice said ominously.

More buttons were pressed.

The bedroom faded and was replaced by a kitchen.

''Fetch the Doctor some cake, won't you, dear?''

Doctor Animo was now sitting in a chair. He slowly opened his eyes. He saw Maid Argost smiling at him while holding a large chocolate cake on a silver platter.

The doctor placidly watched Maid Argost drop the cake into a blender that was sitting on the table. He then took a glass of milk and added it inside the blender. He pressed the button and pulverized the cake into a liquid form. He shut off the blender. He took the mixture and loaded it into a device that looked like a pump. It was attached to a long tube.

Maid Argost picked up the end of the tube which looked like an enema bulb. ''Service with a smile,'' he said with blissfully ignorant delight.

Doctor Animo blushed and bent over the table. He stuck out his ass. Maid Argost patted the submissive doctor on the back and inserted the tube into his ass.

''I LOVE THIS STORY!'' the woman screamed. She kicked her legs out and broke a panel off the machine in front of her. ''That can be fixed.'' She pulled out a container of Chinese food and started loading bare handfuls of the noodles and chicken into her mouth. ''KEEP GOING!''

Doctor Animo moaned from his delicious cake enema before Maid Argost emptied it into his bowels and removed the tube. An instant later, most of the cake came out and hit the floor below. Doctor Animo blushed and sighed with relief.

''Wonderful cake!'' Maid Argost muttered. He pulled out a broom and dustpan and began to clean up the mess as the scene darkened.

Both men were back on the bed, wearing only their boxers. They sat up and rubbed their heads.

Major Domo's body had been repaired. Captain Hook's last memory was wiped. He appeared angry once again and demanded to be released. He waved his hook.

''I don't know where I am, or even what to make of this. Yet I'll have revenge for this indignity!''

''What's going on?'' Doctor Animo asked. He grabbed the collar around his neck and tugged at it. ''Let me out of this thing!''

''You two better behave yourselves before you get punished again.''

''We've been kidnapped?'' gasped Major Domo before the collars went off and shocked them all.

Another round of injections turned the men into a bunch of hysterically crying babies. They couldn't stop themselves from bawling for no reason. Their boxer shorts turned into large padded diapers as they sobbed. Each one of them was then strapped into an adult sized high chair.

The woman appeared in front of them with a bowl. The bowl was full of macaroni and cheese. She held a large wooden spoon.

''Time to feed my lovely little baby boys,'' she cooed until she jammed a huge spoonful of the cheesy mixture into each one of their open mouths.

She stopped at Captain Hook and used her sticky fingers to wipe his face.

''Good boys! You look like you need to make poops.'' She dropped the spoon back into the bowl. ''That's because I put special ingredients in your formula so you would. I adore seeing my baby boys in distress, just blushing as red as ripe cherry tomatoes from embarrassment!''

All of the men blushed as they felt their stomachs rumble. They soon began shitting uncontrollably into their diapers. They blushed and sobbed while the woman began to laugh and laugh hysterically at their humiliating scene.

''Good little boys!'' She clapped, loudly. ''Mommy is proud of you.''

She threw the bowl down. It broke against the floor. She tried to snap her fingers. No sound was produced. They were too large. She growled like a dog before shrieking. She stomped her foot on the ground and waved her hands around violently.

''SOMEONE GET OUT HERE AND GIVE ME A PROPER STAGE!''

Two shadowy figures silently crept out from the darkness, dragging along a huge karaoke machine and teleprompter. Another set of shadowy silhouettes pulled out a large projection screen.

''Now mommy will sing for you all,'' she said while ascending the stage that had appeared.

The spotlights changed into a disco ball overhead. The woman picked up the microphone while she waited for the music to begin.

She began singing along to various Japanese cartoon themes playing at the same time. She kept her voice in the same unsettling monotone. She messed up most of the words to the songs. She assumed she sounded magnificent.

The audience that was currently forced to listen wanted to cover their ears to stop the pain. They couldn't, of course.

The ''concert'' lasted for hours. The woman changed into many dresses that didn't fit her at all and looked increasingly ridiculous. She forced all of her ''babies'' to compliment her singing, voice, outfits, etc.

''When will this nightmare end?'' muttered Captain Hook.

He dropped his head, feeling exhausted. He wanted to pass out. Maybe he could wake up in a cold sweat aboard the Jolly Roger. This had to be a bad dream caused by food poisoning or other illness.

His eyes snapped open as fingers gripped his face and held it painfully. He felt genuine fear as he stared into psychotic eyes of the madwoman. Her face was scrunched in rage, her lips pursed tightly. Her eyes looked dead and glazed. At the same time, they appeared like the eyes of a wild animal ready to rip its prey apart with its fangs.

''You're not falling asleep during your beloved's concert, are you, lover?'' she hissed before she dropped his head.

She slapped his face, hard.

''How dare you!''

Captain Hook did not finish his enraged words before she slapped him again. She hit him with the microphone in her hand right across his forehead, causing him to become temporarily dazed. He groaned.

''Now, now. My boyfriend is a gentleman, is he not? Remember your mother's upbringing, James.'' She turned and walked away, her stiletto heels clicking on the floor harshly.

''Mustn't upset mother,'' Captain Hook said weakly.

Blood trickled from his bottom lip. He could not resist the brainwashing that made it impossible for him to think rationally. All he could think about was pleasing his proclaimed master, who was disguised as the memory of his mother and former fiance.

''Mustn't upset my beloved!''

The woman stood on a new stage that had a podium rising up from it. She stood behind it while she held several papers.

''Now I'm going to read everyone my newest stories. All _600_ of them. I expect to hear compliments from you all after each one. After all, I wrote them for YOU!''

She snorted with laughter. She flipped through the stack of pages. It was as thick as War and Peace. The words on each page were barely three paragraphs for every story. She cleared her throat before speaking.

''Really, they're for me. About me. I live vicariously through you all, you see. Even though you are obviously older men. You have long feminine hair, meaning I can turn you into female self-insertions. All exact copies of each other. All exact copies of myself. All I do every day is cry and whine and eat fatty junk food and demand to be babied and worshiped by all around me. Also I love sexual violence and submission with humiliation. Now you're going to partake in every single one of my extremely narrow repetitive fetishes, whether you want to or not. Because you're MINE! MINE, MINE, MINE!''

''No, stop this!'' Argost gasped. He struggled. He was dressed in his Nazi reminiscent uniform from Weird World. He gasped again. His eyes grew huge. He found himself in chains. ''You're some sort of demon, aren't you?''

The woman frowned. ''I'm your biggest fan!''

In a fit of rage, she threw the papers down. They scatted everywhere. She pulled a small device from her purse and pressed the button while sneering at her ''boyfriend'' who needed to be put in his place yet again.

She smiled as she watched the yeti get shocked violently until he almost passed out. She pressed another button. The bottom of Argost's uniform vanished. It was replaced by blue boxer shorts. She pressed another button. Argost groaned before he urinated.

''This is fun! I love writing! I love being the greatest fan writer of every fandom! I love being the greatest fan of anything to exist! I LOVE FORCING EVERYONE TO DO EXACTLY AS I COMMAND THEM TO! I CAN FORCE THEM TO DO ANYTHING I DEMAND! THEY CAN'T RESIST ME! _EVERYTHING I MAKE UP BECOMES ACTUAL CANON!_ ''

She pressed the buttons many times. Her captive boyfriends were all chained up against the brick wall of a dungeon. It was dark, damp, and full of cockroaches.

They struggled briefly, except for Argost, who wasn't able to any longer, though he was by far the strongest of the group.

A section of the floor vanished, where a table rose up. The table had various torture instruments upon it. Many were whips. Some were branding irons with various symbols on them. Still more were various containers and tubes filled with unknown substances or small living creatures.

The woman picked up a whip. She struck Argost's back with it several times until he screamed. His formerly white fur became red with blood stains.

The men next to him looked terrified. Major Domo began to cry again. Doctor Animo panicked and uselessly tried to squirm out of his shackles while whimpering. All of the men were starting to break. All of her good little toys.

Glaring at him, the woman set down the scourge while Argost sobbed in pain. She picked up a branding iron and placed it into a nearby fire pit until it became red hot. She smiled at Doctor Animo. The doctor gasped. He began to scream helplessly. She walked over to him with the red hot poker. She pulled down his boxer shorts and exposed his naughty male thingy before she touched the branding iron to the tip.

Doctor Animo shrieked so loudly, the rest of the men's ears hurt to hear it. They were almost certain their ears were going to bleed. He finally passed out from shock and pain, ceasing the infernal racket.

The woman giggled.

She put the poker down and picked up a container of bugs. She held it in front of Major Domo's face. He trembled with utter horror.

''In all my time of service to Mojo, I have never been as tortured,'' he whispered fearfully as he shivered. ''I greatly wish to be back with him rather than this!''

His boxers were removed. He gasped and cried out when the container of bugs was inserted into his anus. He screamed as he felt them starting to enter his rectum. They began to explore freely. He continued to shriek until he lost his voice. He could only sob brokenly.

Captain Hook's face was blank of emotion as he contemplated his fate.

*I'll not die here to this demon wench!'* he thought. *But however shall I escape? It seems hopeless! I require a most Divine intervention!*

He hung his head, feeling like tears wanted to escape from his eyes without the force of a drug or manipulation of the memories of his dead relatives.

There was a hot, stinking breath in his ear. He felt disgusted by it. The woman was panting like a dog at him. Her breath reeked of garbage.

''You know you're my favorite,'' she whispered into his ear. ''These others are just passing fancies. I loved them once, sure. They mean nothing to me now. I just like to play with them once in a while. It's YOU I love now, my beloved lover!''

Captain Hook knew this clearly demonic creature was made of lies.

She reached down and touched every inch of his underwear. She began to touch it with her mouth awkwardly. The act disgusted Captain Hook even more. He didn't want to vocalize his hatred of her, lest she attack him in a more horrible way. He turned away as she strangely kissed all across his underwear.

When she was finished kissing his underwear and touching it, she rubbed her body against him while tilting her head back and groaning.

''I want you to make me PREGNANT!'' she yelled.

Captain Hook screamed.

''Never!''

She slapped him across the face. ''You'll do anything I tell you to! You have to!'' she shrieked. ''Make me PREGNANT!''

''I'D SOONER DIE!'' Captain Hook said in absolute anguish.

She slapped him again before she sobbed. ''THAT CAN BE ARRANGED! _NO ONE IGNORES MY WHIMS!_ ''

She stormed away to a new control panel. She slammed down several buttons with the palm of her hand.

A cage door opened, revealing the ticking crocodile. Captain Hook gasped.

''You'll go straight into the crocodile's belly for refusing to fill mine with a cute baby! Have fun dying a miserable death! Maybe you'll be eaten whole and die slowly and painfully inside the croc's stomach.''

She stuck out her tongue at him before waddling up a set of stairs. She vanished from sight.

''At least I die in greater peace,'' Captain Hook muttered as the great croc began lumbering toward him with a hungry gaze. He turned his head to face his oncoming demise. ''I go readily. Come at me, beast! Free me from this hell, into another more tolerable! Bring on the fire and brimstone!''

With a roar, the crocodile snapped her jaws down on him and swallowed him up, breaking his chains free of the wall when she pulled away from it.

-x-

Death was not bad. Not bad at all.

Captain Hook woke up to darkness and silence. He sat up and saw himself naked in a room of pitch black. He could still see somehow. There was a light coming from above.

''Is this finally death?'' he asked.

He blinked in confusion. He looked around.

''James,'' said a feminine voice.

Captain Hook gasped. He saw a luminescent almost angelic figure in front of him.

''Cecilia,'' he gasped.

He reached out his arms to meet hers. They embraced. Their mouths touched.

It wasn't really a kiss. It seemed very strange. It was as if Cecilia had no idea how to kiss another human being.

Captain Hook became suspicious. He pulled away.

''Cecilia?''

She began to touch his body until she recoiled. She placed her hands to her mouth before blushing. She stared at him until she bit her quivering lip.

''Is there something wrong?''

''The body is a shameful thing, James. It's dirty and sinful.''

''It is not.'' He raised one eyebrow. ''Cecilia, you don't look well at all. In fact, you seem paler than usual. Is something the matter? What happened to you that changed you so from the woman I knew before?''

Cecilia sobbed. She turned away.

''Cecilia? Speak to me! What's going on?''

He reached out his hand to run it through her hair, until the hair fell out as he touched it. He gasped again after seeing a bare skull beneath it. He screamed when he saw the rotting corpse of his former fiance. Maggots poured from her mouth.

''This is the real me, James! She turned me into this. She wanted me to be the vessel! For her to have a baby! But I refused! So she tortured me to death! I'm so sorry! Farewell, James!'' Cecilia cried out before she crumbled to dust.

''GOOD GOD!'' Captain Hook shouted. He screamed in rage. ''WILL THIS TORMENT NEVER CEASE?''

''Of course not, Captain Codfish,'' spoke a familiar voice.

Captain Hook gasped when he saw none other than Peter Pan hovering above him. Several of the Lost Boys joined their leader. They circled like vultures over a fresh meal.

"Captain Codfish! Captain Codfish!'' they chanted.

''I should not have tempted fate,'' Captain Hook groaned.

He jerked his wrists. They were shackled down. He was on a wooden board. A torture rack. It was lying horizontal so that he was lying down fully. He kicked out his feet. They couldn't move more than a few inches. They were locked in tightly, same as his wrists. He roared helplessly with anger.

''Now what is going to be my next torment?''

Again, he shouldn't have tempted fate.

"We have a present for you, Captain," said Peter.

''Oh? Is it the sweet embrace of death come from the tip of your dagger, Pan?''

''Not quite.''

Peter Pan grinned at him before pulling down his pants. The Lost boys imitated his action until every one of their buttocks were exposed. They all began grunting while Captain Hook screamed in horror and revulsion once he realized what they were about to do.

''STOP AT ONCE!''

They disregarded him. They eventually began shitting on him while he screamed and gagged from the stench.

Peter Pan laughed. "It's not chocolate cake, if that's what you were hoping for!'' He grunted with relief as he dropped his heavy load on Captain Hook's face.

''Captain Hook is full of shit!'' the Lost Boys sang. Each dropped a steaming bunch of turds onto the helpless pirate. ''What a shitty pirate!'' they chorused.

''Open your mouth," Peter taunted as he began to piss over Captain Hook's face.

''Open your mouth, open your mouth!'' yelled the Lost Boys. They turned and thrust out their penises to imitate Peter. They peed all over every inch of the screaming Captain Hook's body. He refused to swallow a single drop of urine. ''Booo! Spoil sport!'' they all chanted.

''You don't listen properly, Codfish. That could get you into big trouble around here.'' Peter Pan wagged his finger at the humiliated former pirate captain.

''Now what, Peter?'' Tootles asked when they were absolutely finished.

He suddenly screamed and exploded.

Peter looked on in shock before he and every one of the remaining Lost Boys suffered the same fate once the master had no further use for them. The shower of blood, organs, and bones littered the room, as well as the already soiled Captain Hook. He sobbed.

''Are you sorry for disobeying me yet?'' asked the hateful monotone.

Captain Hook did not respond. He continued to sob brokenly.

''I asked if you were SORRY yet! You'd better answer me!''

''Yes!'' Captain Hook screamed while choking back further sobs, having no other choice than to obey.

''Good.''

The lights disappeared. Captain Hook continued to sob within absolute darkness.

''Who is your master?''

He sniffed. Tears streamed down his face. ''You are.''

''Good boy! And you are the slave. Repeat that!''

''I am," Captain Hook hesitated, hatred coursing through what was left of his battered body and sanity, ''the slave.''

She giggled in a vile way that made his very flesh crawl with disgust.

''Good. Now let's clean you up. Then we'll play a new game.''

Captain Hook clenched his teeth as darkness consumed his mind once again.

-x-

Captain Hook woke up again. He found himself on a cartoonish version of the Jolly Roger. Everything was too shiny and wobbly. Nothing was to scale or accurate. Nothing was symmetrical. Nothing made sense. It looked like it was created by young children out of crayons and construction paper. He stared at what had become of his once proud ship. He was stunned.

He looked down and saw himself wearing only underwear. For whatever reason, the feeling of it made him ashamed. He covered his face with his hands and blushed.

He got out of bed. He looked out the window and saw Peter Pan floating there.

Peter Pan crowed. It was all he did. Crow and laugh, crow and laugh. As if he couldn't do anything else. Then he flew away, holding the Jolly Roger's flag. It too looked as if it had been scrawled by a very young child. Instead of the skull and crossbones, the symbol had been replaced with something he didn't recognize. It would be familiar to those from another world as being the malformed head of the Japanese character Hatsune Miko. Someone tried to draw it, but failed in every aspect.

Captain Hook walked out of his cabin, wearing only his underwear.

His crew were all standing around, as if they'd never been sleeping or concerned with other duties. They were just standing there, waiting for a cue. The cue was him walking from his cabin.

They began to laugh.

"Captain Hook's in his underwear," Robert Mullins said while he pointed.

''Oh my, oh my,'' Gentleman Starkey repeated over and over with his hand to his face. He blushed. ''I do say, I do say, I do say.''

''Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh,'' was the only vocalization Alf Mason could muster.

''I'm Billy Jukes,'' poor young Billy Jukes repeated endlessly, as if he had to keep reminding himself who he was. Long Tom was long since forgotten. ''I'm Billy Jukes!'' His face was frozen in a nervous smile.

Cookson was walking back and forth with a pot of bubbling stew. ''I make stew for you! I make stew for you!'' He didn't seem to have any other purpose besides walking around, waiting to serve barely edible stew.

Smee ran up and jumped into Captain Hook's arms, startling him. He tried to force Smee off his chest. Smee's grip was somehow unbreakable. Smee blushed and hugged the captain. He laid his head on the larger man's shoulder before he sighed.

''I love you, Captain Hook. We'll never be apart. I'll always be with you! I love you so much. I would commit suicide without you. We're destined to be together for all eternity,'' he said sweetly.

''Smee!''

Captain Hook felt an instant of rage which was immediately quelled through some overbearing force from the dark skies above. He slumped his shoulders and allowed Smee to rub against him while moaning.

''Yes, Smee. You are very adorable,'' Captain Hook sighed. ''I love you, too.'' He patted him on the head before kissing him on the forehead.

His hand moved by its own. He felt more like he was in a dream, or a waking nightmare he couldn't control.

Short Tom flew down and squawked near his ear.

''No escape, no escape! No escape, no escape!'' the dirty old parrot taunted. It vanished into thin air, leaving only a few feathers.

Captain Hook held Smee like a toddler in his arms and walked to the side of the ship to stare out over what used to be a once majestic ocean. It now looked like mostly immobile dark blue sludge. The shores of Neverland were dull and faded as well, as if they no longer mattered to anyone. As if they were no longer a relevant part of any Peter Pan story. The name Peter Pan no longer had much significance at all. Captain Hook began to forget it more and more.

''James,'' said a feminine voice.

Captain Hook saw Cecilia on board the Rake as it passed. She waved to him as tears streamed down her face.

''James, I love you. James, I love you. James, I love you,'' she said over and over again until Jasper appeared behind her and cut the plank out from under her. She screamed as she fell into the ocean. Her arms and legs were bound. ''JAMES, I LOVE YOU!'' she yelled, even as she sank below the waves and drowned.

''Jamie Hook. Now you won't be distracted! Jamie Hook. Well? Jamie Hook. Now you won't be distracted! Jamie Hook,'' Jasper repeated.

He changed between his human form and his ghostly form. The Rake shifted as well. It sailed around the Jolly Roger in an endless circle.

Cecilia appeared again and again, doing the same thing. She died again and again. Jasper taunted him again and again. Peter Pan rarely showed up to do anything but crow and laugh. The Darlings were an afterthought. Wendy showed up once and blushed before handing Captain Hook is lost hat and confessing her love for him. She ran away, leaving him confused and unsettled. The Indians were forgotten completely. Soon, the rest of his crew vanished.

Everyone obsolete vanished. The master did not care about them.

Captain Hook occassionaly went on board The Rake to see if he could change anything. He never could. It was the same thing, again and again. And then it would simply repeat. Every day. Day after day. Again and again.

Captain Hook never had any more adventures in magical Neverland from then on.

Never hunted Peter Pan again in hopes of taking revenge on the boy who took his hand. Never avoided the croc's jaws again. Never tried to plunder riches or sail the seas. Never lead his crew of pirates into battle. Never even tried to leave for the Spanish Main. It all vanished completely, leaving him alone with endless scenarios of the master puppeteering Cecilia, Jasper, and James Hook.

Captain Hook finally submitted completely instead of fighting against it.

Because he couldn't.

He was trapped.

Trapped forever.

Trapped for all eternity.

In terrible fanfiction!

And he dared not question as to why this was, ever again, lest he be removed and brought to be reprogrammed by the ''Master'' of this twisted world, who had chosen not to wipe his mind clean fully of what had transpired in order to keep him under control.

He never wanted to witness such horrors that lay OUTSIDE the mundane new world he had come to know. Such things were unspeakable for a reason, he decided. Shivering against the cold, dead air that smelled like rancid meat, sweat, and hot chili spices.

He closed his eyes and waited for the day to be over once again.

 **THE END**

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Hope you enjoyed this tragic horror parody piece of dookie that I used the smallest parts of my brain to come up with in less than 18 minutes.

Also user IvyValentine1 aka Pink Rose Garden aka Snow Coyote aka Baron Finster Fan aka Argost Fan Forever aka Eternal Nightmare aka Drew Monday aka Eternal Spiral aka Evil Border Collie is a spam troll and a plagiarist who's been copying the same stories for years just replacing character names with new character names because she has no creativity whatsoever while proclaiming herself to be the best writer in every fandom and saying everyone else around her sucks at writing BECAUSE SHE IS A FAT JEALOUS ASS. She writes Mary Sues and child smut herself, too. What a hypocrite.

Cry harder and keep on insulting everyone who writes better than you and knows more about the franchise than you'll ever know because they watch the shows or also can come up with actual ideas on their own brain power without having to steal ideas and copy them endlessly, adult diaper baby. LOL! You probably will get banned again for spamming or harassment like everyone says will happen. Again! Place your bets, folks.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 was requested by several lost souls. Also thanks for reading! I had no idea this would become somewhat popular with a certain spurned demographic, lol.

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 **HIGH STATISTICS: 2 - THE SHRIEKING FURY**

A very large white woman with greasy long brown hair and coke bottle thick glasses sat upon a pompous golden throne in a dark room illuminated by several large TV monitors along the walls. Long, claw-like crimson painted nails tapped out profound irritation along the arm of the throne which had been shaped into the form of a resting cat. The other mirrored it. The back of the throne was topped with a cobra ready to strike, a hissing reared tarantula perched on its head. She frowned furiously, pursing her thin lips so tightly they turned pure white. She slumped forward, her hair covering most of her face akin to Sadako, ready to attack her hapless prey. A low growl came from deep within her throat.

"How _dare_ they oppose me."

Without warning, she lifted a microphone next to her and threw it with the strength of several rabid chimpanzees. It smashed one of the center screens set to repeatedly display the extremely brief scene of Captain James Hook with the canon Sue, Cecilia, her most prized current self-insert from the Christmas Carol parody episode, _Hook's Christmas_. The meaning of the word parody escaped her vast but narrow knowledge, as did many others.

Lovely, boring, useless Cecilia. She was just a flat and pointless enough character for her to use completely for her own means. A husk, a shell, with absolutely no personality or established background. A simple prop love interest created solely for a single episode and nothing more. A throwaway. How she loved loved those characters. She could project anything she wanted into the character and call it canon. Not that she didn't do that with characters who had extensively developed personalities and patterns of canonical behavior forged with actual effort by the writing teams for a real purpose. It didn't matter how much depth a character had. They could be easily gutted for her favored basic self-insertion template. But lovely little Cecilia, oh how she cried. She whined. She pouted. She broke up with Hook, who was more concerned with gold than love, meaning obviously Hook pined for her obsessively like a stalker just like Leonidas Van Rook did over Drew years ago. Every character she wrote into her personal masturbatory fantasy scripts acted the same. All she needed was a few criteria: tears, a severed relationship to warp into romanticized domestic violence, and a traditionally feminine woman to declare a submissive romance obsessed stereotype who only has babies and getting violently rammed by a random dick on the brain, like all "good women" should, according to her upbringing.

This even worked with effeminate men when no woman could be found to speak of. She recalled her yaoi days which she had left behind after seeing real gay men who acted nothing like her preferred offensively homophobic straight female oriented stereotypes. It disgusted her to the core. She positively loathed it when she couldn't control others. Her will was law. It must be done.

She watched the TV screen smoke silently for an hour while sobbing to herself before she turned and pressed a button on a control panel. A speaker crackled to life.

"Yes, Madam?" asked a meek, fearful voice.

Another hissing growl escaped The Master's throat. "Yes Madam WHAT?"

"Yes Madam Overlord-sama," squeaked the voice. "Please forgive me! I haven't eaten in weeks. It's made me forgetful."

"Enough of your pathetic excuses, lackey. I demand _my_ 3:00 lunch. That means get in here, NOW!"

"Yes Madam Overlord-Sama. It is on the way as I speak."

"LESS TALK, MORE WALK."

She slammed her fist down on the button, ending the call. The Master sat back and continued to tap the seconds away with her long nails.

"One Mississippi," she began, staring at one of the many clocks on a shelf ticking away in multiple time zones. "Two Mississippi. Three..."

The doors burst open. A procession of rainbow haired servants clad in French maid outfits rushed in with many carts of steaming trays, glass lidded delicacies, and large buckets of ice holding several 2 liter bottles of Pepsi.

"We're here, your Majesty!" cried the voice from the speaker.

It was a frail looking man of about 40 or 50, whose hair had been dyed and styled to look like Major Domo's. His large earrings clacked against his head as he tried to usher in the carts pushed by the other slave personnel to his own personal nightmarish Mojo. He had no idea what his former occupation or name was. All he knew was this daily, hourly, weekly ritual for so many years. He had been manipulated for so long, he almost imagined he could be the real flesh and blood Major Domo she had somehow brought into the human world. She had such strange and horrifying unfathomable powers. Often times he wondered if she had ever been human at all or always the immense and powerful demon overlord that presided over all things here.

Once the trays were uncovered, The Master squealed with delight. She smiled and began to sob for a few minutes before turning into a ravenous beast, tearing into the first cart with gusto.

Several plates of Chinese food were devoured within seconds. The empty plates crashed to the floor. Like a well rehearsed stage play, the servants in waiting dove to the floor and began cleaning vigorously. Several more came in to repair the broken TV monitor. Soon it was back in working order displaying the repeating scene of Cecilia telling James there would be no wedding, for gold had taken her place in his heart. It went ignored like everything The Master didn't care for. Cherry picking was divine. Almost as divine as sweet and sour chicken with beef and broccoli fried rice. Another empty plate crashed to the floor, along with an empty 2 liter bottle.

The false Major Domo clasped his hands, solemnly watching The Master swallow down handfuls of buffalo wings with extra sauce before throwing the bowl at a female servant's head. Her hair was dyed snow-white. She might have been wearing an old somewhat torn orange battle suit styled to look like a cosplay of Drew Saturday. An empty sheath was strapped to her back. Of course no one was allowed to have weapons in The Master's presence.

The Master wanted little to do with such characters any longer. She hated strong female characters with a passion. Almost as much as she hated the strong black characters they were in canon relationships with. She turned her head and made a face of disgust, spitting out a bone onto the floor.

"You there! Drew Saturday. Get out of my sight! You're making me lose my appetite."

The woman flinched. "Yes Madam." She bowed before she was struck in the head with a silver platter. She cried out in pain and fright.

"I DIDN'T SAY STICK AROUND AND KEEP TALKING! I SAID GO, YOU FAILURE OF A WOMAN!" Again, a platter struck the woman's back as she attempted to flee. Again, she whimpered like a wounded animal. "Why couldn't you have married Van Rook? Nasty, nasty, NASTY! Impure! You're no female role model! You're a filthy little _whore!_ Not my Drew!"

The false Drew ran away, sobbing in anguish.

Satisfied after the scene, The Master lifted handful after handful of chocolate cake in turn as she brought the Pepsi bottle to her lips with the other. She repeated the motion for an hour. After letting out a huge belch, she shoved a cart away into two servants who didn't dodge in time. They were knocked down. As if nothing had happened, they jumped back to their feet pretending not to be hurt. They wore lopsided false grins. Their suffering didn't matter. It would never matter.

"Remove the rest. I'm done for now," said The Master. She clapped her hands sharply.

Everyone scrambled to clean up and remove the food carts. They bowed shallowly before they backed out of the room. All but the false Major Domo remained. The Master took her seat on her throne.

"Domo," she snapped.

His head turned instantly, the earrings smacking into his face again. He flinched. "Yes Madam Overlord-sama?"

"Queen Madam Overlord-sama!" she corrected.

"Queen Madam Overlord-sama," False Domo parroted subserviently with a nod.

She gestured. "Bring me my special device. I want to play."

"At once, your Grandness!"

He fled the scene, returning in two minutes flat with an expensive laptop. He set it upon a table in front of his master's throne. He bowed deeply again.

The Master squealed again, kicking out her feet while flapping her arms. Her smile fell into the standard frown once again. Again she slumped. She leaned over and opened the lid. The light came on, illuminating her pale, food streaked visage. She licked her lips eagerly before bringing plump fingers to the keypad, typing away furiously.

 _THE VILE VILLAGE IDIOTS MEET THEIR DEMISE_

 _Sum: Several misplaced idiot trolls appear in Neverland and torment Captain Hook before they are killed by a mysterious illness._

 _A/N - This is the best Peter Pan and the Pirates story in the entire fandom. I love it because I wrote it. It's a shame certain idiots ruin the fandom by writing OOC drivel because they hate the canon and the canon characters so much. Not like ME! The only True Fan of Peter Pan and the Pirates. And the only REAL WRITER in the entire fandom. I only wish more people recognized and complimented my unfathomable creative genius instead of giving comments to all the pathetic garbage Suethers and inane parody trolls in this fandom. Stop encouraging bad fanfiction!_

 _Here are more dozens of six sentence dribbles about my ridiculously OOC canon OCs bearing no resemblance whatsoever to any PP &TP character to speak of because they're my own personal self-inserts with the canon character's names lazily slapped on. They are all nearly word-for-word copies of my pseudo-mafia X-Men OC stories that I turned into Secret Saturdays stories and then Ben 10 stories while claiming to be the most perfect canon loving author and fan in existence in those fandoms years ago. They are also my personal self-inserts about my morbid daily life obsessing over myself, my favorite food, toys, games, porn, Japanese pop culture, and schlocky Western television. I write them into every single story I have ever written in any fandom I have ever been in and you can easily fact check this to spot the years long running pattern. The audience will ignore this fact, or BE SEVERELY PUNISHED!_

 _I require 100 reviews within the hour. Or I will continue spamming the section with more incomprehensible masterpieces to push down every other story! It is not due to jealousness. It's because I LOVE WRITING! AND I LOVE THESE CHARACTERS THOUGH IT APPEARS TO EVERYONE WITH A SEMI-FUNCTIONING BRAIN THAT I OBVIOUSLY KNOW OR CARE NOTHING ABOUT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM WHILE CLAIMING TO BE THEIR BIGGEST AND ONLY TRUE FAN! Now that you have read this, it will be absorbed directly into your brain where it will implant hypnotic suggestions, forcing you into my absolute control._ _BWAHAHAHA! Worship my greatness, suckers._

As soon as the words finished, the screen turned blood red. Letters began to drip black ink as if they were coming to life. The Master began to giggle, higher and higher in pitch, rising into hysterical cackling as a fire irrupted around her.

Trembling with fear and awe, the false Domo shielded his face as he backed away, dropping to one knee.

The Master continued to type out her perverted blood lust of crazed hate and jealousy.

 _Cecilia kissed James Algernon Cloudesley Hook on their bed. He vaguely wondered why she appeared withdrawn and distressed._

 _Vaguely because he rarely cared about her actual well-being. He couldn't perceive emotions unless they were comically exaggerated. He also lacked the empathy to care. Unless the situation called for it. Then he became obsessive and overprotective to a disturbing degree. As if the person writing him into a terrible story they knew was terrible but would never admit had no idea how realistic human emotional situations or romances worked. They were simply too complex to be understood. So like everything they were rendered into their most basic media born stereotypical forms. Completely unrealistic. It didn't matter. The author assumed it was brilliant and that everyone else in the world perceived situations the same. They literally could not see outside of their own extremely narrow warped perspective, twisted by years of constantly validated raging abusive narcissism, ridiculous amounts of pampering, and childish entitlement._

 _"What's wrong? Are you ill, Cecilia?" he asked._

 _She turned away and hugged her knees to her chest. Tears streamed down her face before she began to sob uncontrollably. It was the only thing she knew how to do as of late. She could also become quite terrified for little to no reason. She lacked other emotions. She thought about James's underwear and penis a lot. Also about having his babies. Sometimes she longed to be struck until she was bloody and bruised. It was a woman's place. All these thoughts were incessantly intrusive. She had no other thoughts of her own. She never questioned this at all. She lacked the ability._

 _"James, my darling. Do you recall the new children who appeared in Neverland last Tuesday?" she asked._

 _He nodded. "I do. They joined that brat Peter Pan's heathen bunch."_

 _"They're trolls!" she shrieked._

 _James gasped. His eyes widened. He tilted his head to one side to display confusion. He couldn't display it otherwise. It was as if he had no idea how._

 _"Trolls?" He tilted his head to the other side. His eyebrow raised. He put his hat back on just so he could take it off again and bow after remembering he was a gentleman. He felt compelled to do this multiple times a day. As if it was one of the few traits that could be latched on and repeated over and over to make it look like the author had a grasp on proper characterization when it only made it more obvious they were working off a handful of face value cherry picked tropes that suited their bizarre enjoyments. It was the reason Captain Hook often stripped down to his long johns for seemingly no reason and blushed with embarrassment even though he was a man and wasn't raised with the overt sexual, nudity, or bodily shame women often are. He often had the urge to wear dresses for purposes other than a random comically situational disguise. He felt his penis stiffen whenever he put on one of Cecilia's dresses. He didn't know why, but he couldn't resist these many new urges. "What ever do you mean, Cecilia?"_

 _Cecilia ceased crying. She turned to glare sharply at him for a split-second. She resumed a doe-eye expression. Her lips jutted in a pout. Two tears slid down her pale cheeks._

 _"James. Those children tormented me last night. They all flew to the ship with Peter Pan. They saw me minding my own business, writing my erotic novel while sitting on the deck. Peter Pan stole the papers from me. He gave it to the other children who could read. They laughed at it. They said it was the worst writing they'd ever read! They stole my ink quill and drew horrible pictures on the papers! They ruined my work!"_

 _She buried her face in her knees once again. She resumed sobbing._

 _James trembled with rage. His eyes widened. "How dare those little slubberdegullions insult my beloved lover whom I love!"_

 _He turned on his heel. He pulled out his sword._

 _"I will avenge your honor, Cecilia. Do not fret. Those infernal children will never fly near this ship again. They will never ridicule your wonderful erotic writing. They will never mock your feminine hole again!"_

 _He hurried away._

 _Cecilia watched him leave. "Oh my precious James. Thank you. Please, slaughter them like the squealing pigs they are! Those vile little trolls."_

 _She grinned with yellow teeth before cackling._

-x-

Captain James Hook threw open the doors of his cabin and stormed onto the deck, filled with a rage like a giant squall. He gnashed his teeth in boundless fury. Never in his life had he lusted for the blood of a pack of flying children as he did today.

But he couldn't quite figure out what had caused it.

He barely recalled his conversation with his ex-fiance turned re-fiance, Cecilia, who had arrived three weeks ago and begged for him to marry her. He had stated that he was already long since married to the sea, until a strange feeling overwhelmed his senses. After that moment, he wanted nothing more than to marry her after not seeing her in decades, much less dwelling on her outside of one single Christmas. A very bizarre Christmas that followed the events of Dickens' _A Christmas Carol_. Of course he had little knowledge of this story. They had a wedding that very evening. He had no idea how Cookson managed to create a huge chocolate cake that was not only well presented, but edible. It was as if the inept Greek chef developed skills on a whim to match the plot. And then the honeymoon. Captain Hook's lip quivered. He recalled Cecilia enthusiastically touching his underwear and kissing it. It was very strange. She seemed more obsessed with it than his actual body. His left eye twitched when he recalled blood. He remembered little after that. They kissed on his bed for hours after the marriage. It was all they ever did. Again, somehow this seemed wrong. But he couldn't quite figure out why.

He shook his head, throwing off more odd thoughts and recollections.

He stared out into the blue sky. He growled while bearing his teeth. Those children would pay with their lives.

A feeling of something grasping his leg caused him to gasp and look down. He saw Smee clinging to him like a koala from the foreign penal continent.

"Smee!" He reached down a gloved hand and pressed it to Smee's face before prying him off.

Smee fell on his skinny butt on the deck of the Jolly Roger. It hadn't been cleaned in some time. It had lost its shine.

"Cap'n, my unrequited love," he whispered a bit too loudly. "I was just showing my affection. Er, uh, entirely platonic affection! Of course." He blushed. He turned away, allowing a single tear to slide down his cheek. "If only that woman didn't exist. You'd be mine for all eternity!" He sniffled.

"Smee, you senile imbecile! Control your bizarre impulses for one day," Captain Hook ordered. "Ready the men and prepare the long boats. We're going to hunt down those children and relieve them of their lives once and for all, I swear by this day."

"Sure'n now, Cap'n! It be done before your next breath."

Smee ran to gather the rest of the pirates. They regularly vanished until something came up that required their presence and were not seen for weeks at a time. No one thought odd of this. It was simply treated as a normal occurrence.

They all came running onto the deck in front of Captain Hook, lining up single file. Each man saluted while calling out his name.

"Robert Mullins!" Mullins held out his sword while glaring at Captain Hook. "I should rightfully be the captain," he muttered as he rubbed the tip of the blade with his thumb.

"Gentleman Starkey." He pranced in a circle while holding his cape before running a fish bone comb through his hair. "At your service."

Cookson tried to salute with a pot in his arms. He spilled some of the stinking ooze inside near his feet, slipped on it and fell. He groaned before saluting in turn. "Cookson, ready to service!"

Alf Mason seemed to forget his own name and purpose for a minute. He rubbed his head. "Alf Mason," he eventually grunted. He pulled out a plank of wood and held it proudly.

Captain Hook raised his eyebrow before looking around the deck. "I could have sworn I had another pirate in my employ. I'm quite certain of it in fact." He rubbed his hook against his chin.

"Here I am, Captain," said a voice from the ground.

Captain Hook looked down to see a dark skinned boy whose name he did not immediately recall on his hands and knees staring up at him with uncertainty.

"And who are you again?"

"Billy Jukes, sir," said the young man. "I was the ship's gunner. Before the red storm, that is. Er, was. Now I'm a humble cleaner and repairman."

"Before the red storm?" Captain Hook muttered pensively. He could not recall any red storm in his memory and had no idea what this Billy Jukes was talking about. He shrugged. "No matter. It was obviously of little importance to be so easily stripped from my recollection."

He raised his sword.

"Men! We go ashore and locate a cave full of poisonous mushrooms. There, we will concoct a most deadly gift basket and present it most teasingly to our delightful children. They will steal the basket from our grasp for their own ravenous consumption. And that, as they say, will be that."

"Aye aye, Captain Hook," the men cried.

All but Billy Jukes got into the long boat. They set sail for the shore with the dark mountains in the distance.

They reached the destination within a single hour. It seemed to be the most prominent increment of time other than minutes and seconds.

They got out. Mullins fell on his face, groaning about how much he hated walking on dry land. Cookson grabbed for passing mosquitoes and dragonflies, happily adding them to his stew pot whenever he caught one. Starkey fretted endlessly about breaking his nails or getting his cape dirty. Alf Mason drooled from one corner of his mouth. Smee wore a pink frilled dress with matching ribboned hat for seemingly no reason. No one knew how he obtained it. No one questioned it.

"To the cave, you dimwits. Step lively," Captain Hook ordered.

He marched them up a winding path to a cave hidden in a dense forest within the mountains. They found the cave near the top. It was shaped like a skull. A sign posted outside let it be known that the cave belonged to a Mysterious Madam Moe Miku, a name which they had never once heard uttered in all of their history in Neverland until this very point in time.

"Is this the dwelling of some sort of c-c-cave witch, Captain Hook?" Mullins questioned.

"Oh? I forgot to mention that this witch owns the cave with the mushrooms we seek?" Captain Hook said casually while smiling. "She will also be the one to brew the poison for us. Don't lose your courage just yet, Robert Mullins. She's not out to poison you. But to be on the safe side, don't anger her. She is extremely petty and easily offended."

Robert Mullins' eyes widened. He gulped. He trembled. He then shook his head to clear the pain and resumed his normal behavior.

"I say, is the owner of this cave about?" Captain Hook called from the entrance.

"Who wishes to know?" came the shrill voice. A cloaked, hunched woman appeared.

"Captain James Algernon Cloudesley Hook," he said. He removed his hat and bowed after remembering he was a gentleman. He put it back on, tilting it back into place. His white hair puffed out from beneath the brim.

"Ooh, the famous pirate captain of Neverland and eternal enemy of Peter Pan," she said, amused. "You're quite the character, Captain James Hook. You don't get anywhere enough admiration as you deserve, unlike the praises being sung every day for that vile Peter Pan and his Lost brats. As well as those repulsive Darlings! That young wench most of all. It would be best if she didn't exist!"

Captain Hook blushed suddenly. "Well, I'm flattered. It's not every day I run into someone with intelligence in this infernal Neverland."

"You're looking for a poison to rid Neverland of those awful children, are you not?"

Captain Hook's eyes widened. "Why, yes. Indeed I am."

"It's because you wish to take revenge for your lover's honor, yes? Cecilia, your new wife, was made fun of by the children, severely wounding her emotionally."

"Indeed! All is true. You are also a clairvoyant?"

"I am many things," said Madam Miku, removing her cloak to expose flashy bright turquoise hair with long pigtails that went down her back. She was very young and dainty. Not at all the withered old woman everyone had first expected to see. "I am anything I choose to be. Whether it fits the situation or not." She winked.

She twirled around, placing her arms behind her back.

"But most of all, I am above all, unique and completely original."

She winked again.

She danced over to Captain Hook, leaning down to whisper into his ear. "Original character; Do Not Steal!"

Then she giggled and tip-toed away.

Captain Hook titled his head in confusion for a minute. He shrugged and smiled. He had no idea what she was talking about. He didn't wish to anger her by questioning things, of course. So he didn't.

He nodded. "Yes, certainly. Now, about that poison."

"Here it is," she said before presenting him with a bottle labeled _Deadly Poison_.

"Oh! That was quick," said Captain Hook.

"Yeah, gotta move the plot along." Madam Miku ushered him away from the cave. "Okay, get going. Kill those vile little trolls who ridiculed my masturbation fantasy starring you as a soulless prop for my passing amusement. Ah, uh, I mean the kids who ridiculed your beloved waifu and made her cry buckets! So tragic! Wangst!"

They were at the bottom of the mountain with no memory of walking down. The pirates looked around, momentarily confused, tilting heads everywhere with wide eyes and gasps. Then all was quiet again as they stopped caring. A thick smog of low brain activity resumed its hold on them.

"What a nice woman," said Smee.

"Quite," said Captain Hook. "Okay. To the children now, and this poison with which they shall meet their quick, well deserved ends!"

They were in the Neverberry fields the instant Captain Hook finished his sentence. Again they looked around, mildly startled. It was a little too convenient. But probably not.

"We're here already?" Smee wondered aloud. "Well that was awfully quick. My feet aren't even tired or achin'." He raised his left foot up. It was clad in a pair of red stilettos."And I'm wearing these heels!" He curtsied with a girlish giggle.

"Shut up, Smee," Captain Hook whispered before smacking the diminutive Irishman on the head with his hook. He crouched behind some bushes, motioning to the others to keep their voices down. They all imitated his actions. "I spy the awful children."

Captain Hook pointed with his hook into the field where the Darlings and the Lost Boys were busy laughing while picking their evening supper. All were unaware of the presence of the lurking pirates.

Three other children joined the regular bunch of Lost Boys. One very fat black boy wearing a sailor suit with a dark newsboy cap and red tie. One white boy wearing an oversize plaid suit coat that hung loose on his skinny body. And the last was an Asian boy wearing a tattered black leather vest with shorts and fingerless gloves whose hair was sticking out from his head, the ends tipped with red dye.

"There they are. Those _trolls_ ," Captain Hook muttered as he seethed with renewed rage.

He pulled out the bottle of poison.

"Smee. Fetch me some of the most flawless fruit from that tree over there. And take care not to bruise it!"

"As you command, my Cap'n!" Smee returned with an armful of the fruit and handed it to Captain Hook.

Captain Hook took the fruit. He arranged it within a wicker picnic basket that they just happened to have. He took the poison bottle and removed the cork. Smiling, he put several drops of the acidic scented dark purple liquid onto every fruit. He covered the fruit with clear cellophane wrap that they also somehow had on them and tied it up in Smee's hat ribbon after removing it from the whimpering Irishman.

"There. A lovely gift of death," said Captain Hook. He held the basket in his hook. "Now to make certain those immature fools will take the bait. We have to pretend like this is something we greatly desire to keep to ourselves."

Smee gasped. "But why would we greatly desire a basket of poisoned fruit, Cap'n Hook, sir?"

Captain Hook glared at Smee before slamming him in the head with his hook. "I don't have time for your asinine remarks, Smee!" He stood up. "Follow my lead."

-x-

"What are they doing over there? It's like they think we can't see them."

"Probably plotting some comically stupid evil scheme, most likely."

"What are they gonna do with that basket of fruit? Try to get the other kids to eat it? It's gotta be poisoned or something."

"Yeah, no doubt."

"Oh well. Let's play it out."

"Cause we gotta," the three Found Boys boys said in unison before high-fiving each other, all breaking into laughter.

The pirates came out of the bushes, marching through the Neverberry field until they were close to the children.

Wendy spotted them and gasped. She grabbed Michael and pulled him to her protectively. John in turn pulled Wendy closer to him protectively. They all hugged each other and trembled with various emotions. None of them had any depth to their characterization, unlike how they once were in a time before they could remember.

"Captain Hook and his pirates," Wendy shouted, alerting the other Lost Boys. "What do they want now? Probably to hurt us. I won't let you hurt my brothers, Captain Hook. I must protect them."

"My dearest Wendy, there is no need for alarm," Captain Hook said before removing his hat and bowing after remembering he was a gentleman. He put the hat back on and held his basket protectively. "My pirates and I were simply walking back to our ship after a long day of gathering supplies. We took a shortcut through the Neverberry field, not expecting to run into your irritable lot, naturally. As such, we'll be on our way. Unless of course you wish to obstruct us further."

"We are doing no such thing," Wendy said. "You're more than welcome to be on your way, Captain." She moved to one side.

Michael began to sob uncontrollably.

"Michael is upset. There there, Michael. Captain Hook won't hurt you today." After patting her young brother on the back to comfort him, Wendy looked up at Captain Hook. "Will you, Captain?"

"I wouldn't dream of it," Captain Hook lied.

Peter Pan flew near Captain Hook, unable to control his impulses for mischief. "That's a lovely basket you've got, Captain. Someone's gift to prevent scurvy? They must think of you fondly to do such a thing for someone so undeserving."

Captain Hook chuckled darkly. "If you must know, Pan, this is a gift not for me, but for my beloved Ceclilia. The love of my life. The one whom I cannot live without. I cannot spend a single moment without thoughts of her occupying my time. She is a treasure too good for this world."

The boy with the red tipped hair placed two fingers to his nose and pinched it shut, making a face of repulsion with his tongue sticking out. He grimaced before laughing. "Whoa, I smell some heavily reeking bullshit over here!"

The boy in the plaid suit appeared beside him. He folded his arms, shaking his head. He cracked a knowing smile. "Yeah, we get it, dude. You love your canon Sue to death. Literally. Like, every other story. Like every other middle aged evil dude with long white hair who came before you and did the same exact thing for five years. You can't go for five minutes without blindly praising her magnificence. Such an amazing character. So much depth. Totally not self-insertion material so a terrible author fake fan who loves to constantly praise themselves can bang her favorite completely mangled into an OC canon villain." He rolled his eyes. "We'll just keep on pretending we haven't seen that one a million times."

Captain Hook tilted his head to one side in confusion. His eyes widened. He couldn't believe how brash these new boys were. They were more obnoxious than Peter Pan himself.

The boy with the red tie walked up to Captain Hook, showing no fear. He tilted his head to one side in comical mimicry, smiling. "Didn't you ever once question anything after that red storm, Captain Hook? Didn't you ever wonder why all these new things were happening to you and everyone around you with seemingly no logic or reason?"

Captain Hook glared at him, frowning. "And who would you three be, pray tell? I don't recognize any of you from Pan's lot."

"Don't Ask," said the boy in plaid, placing his hands on his chest.

"I just did," growled Captain Hook. "You're certainly trying my patience whoever you are."

"No, that's my name," Don't Ask said while pointing to himself.

Captain Hook's eyes widened again.

"Rufio," said the boy with the red tipped hair. He snapped his fingers in Captain Hook's face. "Remember it now, 'cause you'll be screamin' it later when I kick your sorry butt into next week, Hooky."

Captain Hook trembled with rage. "Why you little! How dare you speak to me with such blatant disrespect!" The last boy tugged on his cape until he looked down at him.

"Call me Thud, Mr. Hook. It's a pleasure to meet you. Or what's left of you, I should say." He winked. "Don't worry. We'll have you fixed up in a jiffy."

"What the Devil are you going on about?" Captain Hook yanked his cape away from the child's grimy, pudgy fingers. "You three seem to know more than your physical years let on." He was concerned for a few minutes before he developed a headache. He grunted while rubbing his forehead with his hook. He shook his head. "At any rate, you'd all better stay away from this gift basket for my lovely wife."

Rufio pretended to cough. "Canon Sue," he barked through it. He made gagging noises while pretending to stick his finger down his throat.

Don't Ask continued to shake his head in disappointment.

"Seriously, you could have done better," he said. "What's worse is _someone_ didn't even bother to come up with an interesting background to develop for an otherwise flat, completely uninteresting minor character. How do you do a canon OC without putting in any effort of actually creating a canon OC? Building a background and personality where they didn't exist in the actual canon. I mean, where's the effort? You say you're a writer who loves writing, but you do this? You show so little effort. She cries, she dies, she whines, she's comically inept in the most misogynistic of ways! That's literally it! How is that interesting to anyone but someone with extremely narrow, and poor, might I add, taste?"

He turned and stared at nothing in particular. Captain Hook wondered what he was looking at.

"What dare I ask are you gawking at, boy?"

Don't Ask shrugged. "The Fourth Wall."

Captain Hook saw no wall to speak of. Again, a great confusion gripped him. He would have titled his head, but his neck had become sore.

"You don't have much going for you, either, Captain Hook," Thud said sympathetically.

He pointed to the basket. The boy raised up on his tip-toes and whispered to the pirate captain.

"You know why she wants us dead, right? It's because we're not bound by her rules. She wants us dead because we can help you. We can _save_ you." He cupped his hands, whispering even more cryptically. "We can make you remember who you used to be before the red storm."

Captain Hook's eyes widened yet again. The muscles were getting tired from doing that every other minute. He grunted. "W-what?" He stared at Thud, trembling with an uncertain emotion.

Thud locked eyes with the infamous man. His eyes glistened with life, unlike the dead empty gaze so many of the once vibrant Neverland now carried since the red storm. He smiled.

"Don't you want the headaches and lost memories to go away, Captain Hook? Don't you _want_ to remember how things used to be?"

* * *

Hope you enjoyed this new piece of random juicy crap squeezed from my exhausted brain that wasn't mean to be a multi-chapter story is now a multi-chapter story due to popular, ha, demand. Until the next time. Or chapter, I should say.

Stay strong, everyone. If you leave the fandom now then The Real Troll here wins. And remember: There ain't no fandom drama like Pit fanfic drama! ;)

Try to keep the reviews civil and free of useless random spam from other websites is all I ask.


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